21 going on 30...

Turning the exciting and fun age of 21, I should've been drinking, going out to bars, living up the part life of college student, being a frivolous art student...

After one night of going to the bars, and not really going crazy, in my hometown with friends I haven't seen for months, I was back on a plane, and back to the life of overbooked schedules, demands of a risky balancing act, and trying to merely survive, with hopes of one day thriving.

Returning to a new spring school term beginning, I also interviewed for a job I didn't think I was ready for, but it was a great opportunity, as I now am interning with the business, which is a local sustainable fashion design, production, and retail business. It is such a great learning experience, and I am so thankful. This adds to the list of retail work in a corporate setting, design and production work on a local and upcycling level, and also studying full time...

I am happier to be getting closer to where I want to be, but no one ever said life was easy, and no one tells you that rock bottom isn't just for a day. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take, and where my limit lies...Sadly one thing had to go while I am doing all of this, and that is my personal goal of accomplishing a marathon; I don't have time to properly train to accomplish this goal in the manner that I want, so I am putting that off until I can really designate time for this goal.

With times getting busy, I really feel the crunch of things. I'd love to just go out for a night, forget things, and just enjoy the time.. I can't do that...not with two jobs, an internship, school, getting into a new apartment, and just life..I don't have time for fun, and I can't afford fun.

I am definitely not the typical college student. I am studying and working and struggling, the real world isn't waiting for me after graduation...the real world met me when I stepped off of the plane in Portland.

If only I could sit with my best friend and enjoy a bottle of wine...maybe when I am actually thirty.

Starving Artist

I'm finally seeing the different sides of being creative, a student, and trying to make it in a not so great world.

Working two part time jobs, being a full-time student, and trying to have some extra time just isn't possible.

Being a starving artist goes beyond having an empty fridge and bare cupboards. I starve for a few moments of relaxation. I'd love to be with the person I care the most about, and starving to be together. I strive for success and push myself to the breaking point.

I can't wait to fulfill ideas and dreams. No longer being hungry, lonely, and stressed...I can only imagine for now.

I just have to keep a small glimmer of hope and pouring myself into my creative work when I can is a bit freeing, and helps lift the weights of student struggles and savings that don't exist.

January Veganism

I wanted to try to go vegan for a month, and I did very well...The only thing that I slipped up on was a handful of milk chocolate m&m's when I was frustrated and just wanted to be cliche and eat chocolate.

This wasn't necessarily a difficult task, as I have been vegetarian for years (eight maybe? I don't really keep track anymore, as it is just my life, not something I need to remind myself of). I am also lactose sensitive, so I don't eat a lot of dairy, and the last time I had a glass of milk was probably at the age of 5, when my parents wouldn't let me leave the dinner table without finishing my milk.

I found some good alternatives, and some not so good alternatives. Coconut milk dairy free ice cream...AMMMAZZZING..I love it! Some dairy free ice cream tastes like cardboard (rice dream) or just terrible. Coconut milk ice cream was great, and I don't eat ice cream a lot anyway, but it was a good alternative, and healthy too. Dairy free, alternative cheese....I don't think I will ever go that direction again. It may have been psychological, but I just couldn't eat the fake grilled cheese I tried, or the vegan lasagna that had fake cheese on top. I don't eat cheese often, but when I do I don't want it to taste weird or of chemicals.

Not eating eggs, or having honey, wasn't difficult. I just didn't get french toast for awhile..and I use agave nectar already in my tea and any recipes that call for honey.

One thing about veganism is label reading and comprehension. Some words don't sound like an animal by-product but they could be, so I had to do some research. For January, I pretty much just ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grain carbs. That isn't something too out of the ordinary for me.

The most difficult part was not going to the grocery store after work or class and just grab a frozen pizza for a late night dinner...I would have a mango and some peas, or a salad, and I didn't feel gross afterwards which was nice.

Now that the vegan month is over, I will eat a veggie pizza (with ranch ...) to celebrate, but not much will change.

One more thing accomplished on my list...and more money put into my savings jar...

peace.love.

Done trying...

Some accomplishments aren't necessarily successful...

Sometimes things are beyond my own control and there isn't a thing I can do...

I have attempted to talk to my brother recently, texting, messaging, facebook...I tried.

Some people say that you don't have to like your family, but you have to love them. I don't necessarily agree, it doesn't work for me. I won't love someone just because we are connected through blood. It isn't healthy to hold onto something that hurts you time and time again. Growing up with someone always holding me down, keeping me from doing what I always wanted, and feeling like no matter what I did there was someone there to take anything away from me. That was my brother. He tried the whole being protective and looking out for me, but then let me down by just having that public face of a good big brother. Stealing from me and my family, taking as he pleased, and not caring about anything or anyone but himself. There is a point where I have to let go, lookout for myself, and drop the nonsense and negativeness.

There is one more item off of my list...try to talk with my brother..

I am starting to make something good...school is starting to develop into something I will use for a career; working two part-time jobs are giving me some independence and also ideas for my own future.

So I tried, but I'm done.

Accomplish

I'm slowly but surely on a good track to have a career that I actually enjoy. I am not the type of person to just settle for working in a cubicle; I've done it before, and I don't feel human and it just doesn't leave me feeling happy at the end of the day.

I have recently started working for a local shop, in St. John's, called Salty Teacup. The owners are a wonderful couple who just opened their shop in April of 2010. They sell a lot of cute art pieces from local artist, and sell original and upcycled clothing. I have been given some upcycled assignments from Karen, the owner, and I have really enjoyed making things that will actually be sold in a local store. That is something new for me. I think it is a great start, considering it was after my first term as an apparel design student that I started working for her.

**a lace dress that I upcycled for Salty Teacup**

One thing on my list of things to accomplish is to sell something I have created to a stranger. I have sold things to family and friends, and I have heard from close ones that they enjoy my work, but I want that from a stranger. They don't know me as a person, they just see something that I have made, and they either love it, like it, or hate it. Knowing that someone just looks at something that I have done and wants to pay me for it, is something that I haven't truly experienced since moving to Portland, until now.. :)

I dropped off some more work at Salty Teacup, and Karen was thrilled to tell me that she had placed a skirt that I had upcycled on the floor and it sold within that business day. It was a hideous 80s skirt that was then created into a tiered skirt with a few layers and tuille, and then I added some white lace to the all black skirt. It was cute, and I am glad that someone bought it. So I have accomplished that on my list...$10 saved for selling something to a stranger.

I am also going vegan for January. No dairy, no eggs, no honey...and like always no meat, which hasn't been difficult for the last eight years. On February 1st, that item will be accomplished. I think I will eat less dairy and eggs, and I don't eat honey unless it is baked into something, I use Agave nectar at my apartment for in tea or when baking something that calls for honey.

So this year may have started off lonely, sad, and even physically sick, but I am starting to accomplish things..which in turn fills my mind and helps me get through the sad lonely days.

peace.love.

beth

holidays shmolidays

This holiday season, I wasn't festive, jolly, trilled, hopeful, or even overly happy.

Working retail, I was thrown into the cheery mood by force, but as soon as I clocked out, it was just another day. I am now glad that the holiday retail is dwindling, even though hours will be cut and paychecks won't be plentiful.

I did get to spend time with great family members, that help make this drab holiday seem not so gloomy. They tried to make it as happy as possible, but they didn't have much of a chance to succeed, as it was out of their control. I appreciate everything they do for me, so I went along with it and smiled.

I am glad that I no longer have to pretend to be happy and excited for the holiday season.

101 things to do in 1,001 days

I have created a list of things I want to accomplish in 1,001 days. I am going to start at the end of my term. Just some fun goals, school goals, adventure goals...little/big things that make everything worth it.

The start date is December 18, 2010 and the schedule end date is September 15, 2013.

1. get a tattoo of sewing tape on my arm

2. run the portland marathon

3. explore crater lake

4. get a dog/puppy

5. graduate from Ai with an apparel design degree with a sustainability minor.

6. sell something i've made to a stranger **Accomplished January 5th, 2011**

7. visit the redwoods of california

8. join a yoga class

9. learn about wine

10. learn about beer

11. go vegan for a month**Accomplished January 2011**

12. start my own garden

13. get a CSA membership

14. go to seattle

15. vacation in national parks

16. go on a coffee date with a long lost friend

17. go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and don't feel guilty

18. visit a local organic farm

19. visit a winery

20. go to Music Fest Northwest

21. Only eat local food for a month

22. spend a weekend at the beach

23. start to learn french again

24. plant a garden

25. go to a local concert

26. go camping

27. participate in a local charity event

28. compile a book of recipes that i have tried and loved

29. rent a house/apartment that i truly enjoy

30. kiss in the rain

31. have a picnic

32. viisit a buddhist temple

33. take a cooking class

34. visit Colorado

35. make a birthday cake from scratch for someone

36. go a week without internet

37. paint a room

38. see a nutritionalist

39. go a week without wearing black

40. take a vacation out of the country

41. cook a meal for someone else including meat

42. take a picture each day for a month

43. buy an original piece of art.

44. visit the octopus tree

45. get a professional massage

46. make french toast on my own.

47. grow an indoor herb garden

48. learn to knit

49. go to a theatre show

50. become a member to an environmentalist group

51. go on a vacation with just my mom

52. go on a brewery tour

53. visit mount hood

54. go to a professional sporting event football/soccer/basketball

55. eat at a food cart each day for a week

56. go to sasquatch music fest

57. take music lessons for a month, either piano or possibly guitar

58. make a list of 101 things i like about myself

59. throw a surprise party

60. make a pie from scratch

61. invest in a good knife set

62. make a gift for my dad and include a letter

63. plan a trip to europe: france and the netherlands

64. update my blog at least once a month

65. bake vegan food with a friend

66. go to an orchard and then make something with what i pick

67. don't quit my job until i graduate from Ai

68. make breakfast in bed for someone

69. send flowers to Honey Creek for coworkers and my grandma

70. send out christmas cards that are personalized.

71. read 4 books in a month

72. volunteer at an animal shelter

73. spend a day at a bookstore, and then at a coffeehouse

74. host a christmas party

75. buy incense and actually burn it

76. update drivers license to OR

77. write a letter to someone i love, with 101 reasons why

78. make a dress for myself and wear it out

79. vote in the election and be active

80. visit my grandfather's grave with flowers and a letter

81. attempt to have a conversation with my brother, maybe over dinner**Accomplished Jan 20th, 2011**

82. go to a movie at the living room theatre

83. make produce bags, and use them at the grocery store/farmers market

84. go running through washington park

85. do a 5k with a friend

86. visit a personal trainer

87. create a portfolio of my work

88. grow my hair out long

89. get my hair professionally colored.

90. spend an entire day with just my cousin

91. create something for my niece

92. get my cartilage double pierced

93. plan a surprise date, and then follow through with it for an entire day.

94. make a dinner with someone i love.

95. document an entire week in photographs.

96. bake a family recipe from my mom's side

97. bake a family recipe from my dad's side

98. draw something and like it without self criticism

99. save $10 for ever task completed

100. write about this experience when it is over.

101. with the money saved, do something positive, fun, and productive.

I feel good about this, as it has some long term goals and short term things. Nothing is too extreme or outlandish, and everything is possible.

This will help me turn my life and mindset into something more positive.