21 going on 30...

Turning the exciting and fun age of 21, I should've been drinking, going out to bars, living up the part life of college student, being a frivolous art student...

After one night of going to the bars, and not really going crazy, in my hometown with friends I haven't seen for months, I was back on a plane, and back to the life of overbooked schedules, demands of a risky balancing act, and trying to merely survive, with hopes of one day thriving.

Returning to a new spring school term beginning, I also interviewed for a job I didn't think I was ready for, but it was a great opportunity, as I now am interning with the business, which is a local sustainable fashion design, production, and retail business. It is such a great learning experience, and I am so thankful. This adds to the list of retail work in a corporate setting, design and production work on a local and upcycling level, and also studying full time...

I am happier to be getting closer to where I want to be, but no one ever said life was easy, and no one tells you that rock bottom isn't just for a day. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take, and where my limit lies...Sadly one thing had to go while I am doing all of this, and that is my personal goal of accomplishing a marathon; I don't have time to properly train to accomplish this goal in the manner that I want, so I am putting that off until I can really designate time for this goal.

With times getting busy, I really feel the crunch of things. I'd love to just go out for a night, forget things, and just enjoy the time.. I can't do that...not with two jobs, an internship, school, getting into a new apartment, and just life..I don't have time for fun, and I can't afford fun.

I am definitely not the typical college student. I am studying and working and struggling, the real world isn't waiting for me after graduation...the real world met me when I stepped off of the plane in Portland.

If only I could sit with my best friend and enjoy a bottle of wine...maybe when I am actually thirty.

Starving Artist

I'm finally seeing the different sides of being creative, a student, and trying to make it in a not so great world.

Working two part time jobs, being a full-time student, and trying to have some extra time just isn't possible.

Being a starving artist goes beyond having an empty fridge and bare cupboards. I starve for a few moments of relaxation. I'd love to be with the person I care the most about, and starving to be together. I strive for success and push myself to the breaking point.

I can't wait to fulfill ideas and dreams. No longer being hungry, lonely, and stressed...I can only imagine for now.

I just have to keep a small glimmer of hope and pouring myself into my creative work when I can is a bit freeing, and helps lift the weights of student struggles and savings that don't exist.

January Veganism

I wanted to try to go vegan for a month, and I did very well...The only thing that I slipped up on was a handful of milk chocolate m&m's when I was frustrated and just wanted to be cliche and eat chocolate.

This wasn't necessarily a difficult task, as I have been vegetarian for years (eight maybe? I don't really keep track anymore, as it is just my life, not something I need to remind myself of). I am also lactose sensitive, so I don't eat a lot of dairy, and the last time I had a glass of milk was probably at the age of 5, when my parents wouldn't let me leave the dinner table without finishing my milk.

I found some good alternatives, and some not so good alternatives. Coconut milk dairy free ice cream...AMMMAZZZING..I love it! Some dairy free ice cream tastes like cardboard (rice dream) or just terrible. Coconut milk ice cream was great, and I don't eat ice cream a lot anyway, but it was a good alternative, and healthy too. Dairy free, alternative cheese....I don't think I will ever go that direction again. It may have been psychological, but I just couldn't eat the fake grilled cheese I tried, or the vegan lasagna that had fake cheese on top. I don't eat cheese often, but when I do I don't want it to taste weird or of chemicals.

Not eating eggs, or having honey, wasn't difficult. I just didn't get french toast for awhile..and I use agave nectar already in my tea and any recipes that call for honey.

One thing about veganism is label reading and comprehension. Some words don't sound like an animal by-product but they could be, so I had to do some research. For January, I pretty much just ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grain carbs. That isn't something too out of the ordinary for me.

The most difficult part was not going to the grocery store after work or class and just grab a frozen pizza for a late night dinner...I would have a mango and some peas, or a salad, and I didn't feel gross afterwards which was nice.

Now that the vegan month is over, I will eat a veggie pizza (with ranch ...) to celebrate, but not much will change.

One more thing accomplished on my list...and more money put into my savings jar...

peace.love.

Done trying...

Some accomplishments aren't necessarily successful...

Sometimes things are beyond my own control and there isn't a thing I can do...

I have attempted to talk to my brother recently, texting, messaging, facebook...I tried.

Some people say that you don't have to like your family, but you have to love them. I don't necessarily agree, it doesn't work for me. I won't love someone just because we are connected through blood. It isn't healthy to hold onto something that hurts you time and time again. Growing up with someone always holding me down, keeping me from doing what I always wanted, and feeling like no matter what I did there was someone there to take anything away from me. That was my brother. He tried the whole being protective and looking out for me, but then let me down by just having that public face of a good big brother. Stealing from me and my family, taking as he pleased, and not caring about anything or anyone but himself. There is a point where I have to let go, lookout for myself, and drop the nonsense and negativeness.

There is one more item off of my list...try to talk with my brother..

I am starting to make something good...school is starting to develop into something I will use for a career; working two part-time jobs are giving me some independence and also ideas for my own future.

So I tried, but I'm done.

Accomplish

I'm slowly but surely on a good track to have a career that I actually enjoy. I am not the type of person to just settle for working in a cubicle; I've done it before, and I don't feel human and it just doesn't leave me feeling happy at the end of the day.

I have recently started working for a local shop, in St. John's, called Salty Teacup. The owners are a wonderful couple who just opened their shop in April of 2010. They sell a lot of cute art pieces from local artist, and sell original and upcycled clothing. I have been given some upcycled assignments from Karen, the owner, and I have really enjoyed making things that will actually be sold in a local store. That is something new for me. I think it is a great start, considering it was after my first term as an apparel design student that I started working for her.

**a lace dress that I upcycled for Salty Teacup**

One thing on my list of things to accomplish is to sell something I have created to a stranger. I have sold things to family and friends, and I have heard from close ones that they enjoy my work, but I want that from a stranger. They don't know me as a person, they just see something that I have made, and they either love it, like it, or hate it. Knowing that someone just looks at something that I have done and wants to pay me for it, is something that I haven't truly experienced since moving to Portland, until now.. :)

I dropped off some more work at Salty Teacup, and Karen was thrilled to tell me that she had placed a skirt that I had upcycled on the floor and it sold within that business day. It was a hideous 80s skirt that was then created into a tiered skirt with a few layers and tuille, and then I added some white lace to the all black skirt. It was cute, and I am glad that someone bought it. So I have accomplished that on my list...$10 saved for selling something to a stranger.

I am also going vegan for January. No dairy, no eggs, no honey...and like always no meat, which hasn't been difficult for the last eight years. On February 1st, that item will be accomplished. I think I will eat less dairy and eggs, and I don't eat honey unless it is baked into something, I use Agave nectar at my apartment for in tea or when baking something that calls for honey.

So this year may have started off lonely, sad, and even physically sick, but I am starting to accomplish things..which in turn fills my mind and helps me get through the sad lonely days.

peace.love.

beth

holidays shmolidays

This holiday season, I wasn't festive, jolly, trilled, hopeful, or even overly happy.

Working retail, I was thrown into the cheery mood by force, but as soon as I clocked out, it was just another day. I am now glad that the holiday retail is dwindling, even though hours will be cut and paychecks won't be plentiful.

I did get to spend time with great family members, that help make this drab holiday seem not so gloomy. They tried to make it as happy as possible, but they didn't have much of a chance to succeed, as it was out of their control. I appreciate everything they do for me, so I went along with it and smiled.

I am glad that I no longer have to pretend to be happy and excited for the holiday season.

101 things to do in 1,001 days

I have created a list of things I want to accomplish in 1,001 days. I am going to start at the end of my term. Just some fun goals, school goals, adventure goals...little/big things that make everything worth it.

The start date is December 18, 2010 and the schedule end date is September 15, 2013.

1. get a tattoo of sewing tape on my arm

2. run the portland marathon

3. explore crater lake

4. get a dog/puppy

5. graduate from Ai with an apparel design degree with a sustainability minor.

6. sell something i've made to a stranger **Accomplished January 5th, 2011**

7. visit the redwoods of california

8. join a yoga class

9. learn about wine

10. learn about beer

11. go vegan for a month**Accomplished January 2011**

12. start my own garden

13. get a CSA membership

14. go to seattle

15. vacation in national parks

16. go on a coffee date with a long lost friend

17. go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and don't feel guilty

18. visit a local organic farm

19. visit a winery

20. go to Music Fest Northwest

21. Only eat local food for a month

22. spend a weekend at the beach

23. start to learn french again

24. plant a garden

25. go to a local concert

26. go camping

27. participate in a local charity event

28. compile a book of recipes that i have tried and loved

29. rent a house/apartment that i truly enjoy

30. kiss in the rain

31. have a picnic

32. viisit a buddhist temple

33. take a cooking class

34. visit Colorado

35. make a birthday cake from scratch for someone

36. go a week without internet

37. paint a room

38. see a nutritionalist

39. go a week without wearing black

40. take a vacation out of the country

41. cook a meal for someone else including meat

42. take a picture each day for a month

43. buy an original piece of art.

44. visit the octopus tree

45. get a professional massage

46. make french toast on my own.

47. grow an indoor herb garden

48. learn to knit

49. go to a theatre show

50. become a member to an environmentalist group

51. go on a vacation with just my mom

52. go on a brewery tour

53. visit mount hood

54. go to a professional sporting event football/soccer/basketball

55. eat at a food cart each day for a week

56. go to sasquatch music fest

57. take music lessons for a month, either piano or possibly guitar

58. make a list of 101 things i like about myself

59. throw a surprise party

60. make a pie from scratch

61. invest in a good knife set

62. make a gift for my dad and include a letter

63. plan a trip to europe: france and the netherlands

64. update my blog at least once a month

65. bake vegan food with a friend

66. go to an orchard and then make something with what i pick

67. don't quit my job until i graduate from Ai

68. make breakfast in bed for someone

69. send flowers to Honey Creek for coworkers and my grandma

70. send out christmas cards that are personalized.

71. read 4 books in a month

72. volunteer at an animal shelter

73. spend a day at a bookstore, and then at a coffeehouse

74. host a christmas party

75. buy incense and actually burn it

76. update drivers license to OR

77. write a letter to someone i love, with 101 reasons why

78. make a dress for myself and wear it out

79. vote in the election and be active

80. visit my grandfather's grave with flowers and a letter

81. attempt to have a conversation with my brother, maybe over dinner**Accomplished Jan 20th, 2011**

82. go to a movie at the living room theatre

83. make produce bags, and use them at the grocery store/farmers market

84. go running through washington park

85. do a 5k with a friend

86. visit a personal trainer

87. create a portfolio of my work

88. grow my hair out long

89. get my hair professionally colored.

90. spend an entire day with just my cousin

91. create something for my niece

92. get my cartilage double pierced

93. plan a surprise date, and then follow through with it for an entire day.

94. make a dinner with someone i love.

95. document an entire week in photographs.

96. bake a family recipe from my mom's side

97. bake a family recipe from my dad's side

98. draw something and like it without self criticism

99. save $10 for ever task completed

100. write about this experience when it is over.

101. with the money saved, do something positive, fun, and productive.

I feel good about this, as it has some long term goals and short term things. Nothing is too extreme or outlandish, and everything is possible.

This will help me turn my life and mindset into something more positive.

lost dreams?

I don't sleep anymore really, and when I do I wake up terrified, lost, screaming, or crying.

I don't rest, and it's just another thing that is wearing me down.

I had dreams and hopes, and those seem to be getting a bit lost too.

I'm not sure why this is dwindling, but it scares me more than the dreams that I fear.

This week has been more difficult than anything that I've dealt with in the last year.

The chances that are against me are getting stronger, I fear, but I plan to hold on.

I'm also hoping that others won't bail on me now, when I am weak, like so many have before.

tired and traveling through the final weeks

Despite having a sad soul as I wander through the busy streets, I am busy.

Finals are approaching, and I am not as prepared as I would like to be.

There are sewing projects, charcoal drawings, design projects, a website construction, and a solution paper to complete.

I don't have the energy for this.

Without someone to help me relax, and restless nights filled with terrifying dreams, and only so much coffee to be consumed, these finals will be difficult.

It's a bit intimidating. I want to do well in these classes, as it is my first term in Apparel Design classes. This means a lot to me. I am finally chasing a dream and following a path to what makes me happy. Falling behind and not putting my best work forward isn't something I can accept.

One positive aspect of the hours that will be spent studying and designing to finish these courses....I won't have time sit and think, and be sad about how alone and empty I feel.

Between work and the final weeks of courses, the holiday season should fly by...and not spending the holidays with family and friends won't hit me until they are in my face or over.

If only I could completely rid my mind of the sadness this holiday season will bring.....

but I am thankful for a busy school schedule and a work schedule that will help me get through it.

The road may seem all uphill, treacherous, and never-ending, but at least the scenery and the hopes of a happy ending are good company.

i miss him.

This last week was the happiest week I have had since moving here.

Time with someone that means so much to me spoiled me more than anything.

Now it's over.

I can't see myself being happy for awhile now.

I look forward to the days of not wandering around alone.

Right now, that's all that I can think about, the future days where I don't have to wonder;

I want the days where I can hold hands and be simply happy.....

Northwest Apartment

wandering the Northwest portland neighborhoods.

Washington Park, Alphabet District, etc.

nothing but the sound of footsteps on leaves and soft sentimental songs...

only wishing someone was here to enjoy the brisk fall days...

oh the lonely fall days and night of living in a northwest apartment...

Something that I can learn from..in so many ways

I admit that I am interested in all different foods; however, I tend to stick to basics and simple meals to get me through the day.

That's about to change.

Today, I had the thought of going through this used cookbook that I just purchased and do some experimenting. It is the Moosewood Cookbook, but the 1977 edition. It has several great dishes that I want to try, from salads, to entrees, to soups, to breads, and desserts. I want to explore this cookbook and develop some cooking skills. The downer is I am a starving art student just working a few hours a week and living in an apartment that is overpriced. I would love to try to cook a new recipe everyday, but I don't think I could afford to eat such great and intriguing things, and my skinny jeans might not appreciate the heartier foods. I would like to make at least a few new things each month.

October is World Vegetarian month, and making a new vegetarian meal that is healthy, fairly easy/cheap, and delicious will help me verify my standings that being a vegetarian is healthy, easy, tasty, and makes the world a better place :)

Tonight, I kind of kick started this adventure. The recipe I made was my aunt's pumpkin muffins and not from Moosewood. They are delicious, fairly healthy, and quite simple. The way that my apartment smells, I want to bake these regularly this fall and winter.

Sad when i should be Happy

Great things have been happening for me personally.

New apartment, new school, new town.

Exploring new places, eating great fresh foods, getting into shape.

Then at night when I reflect on my days, and I am not as happy.

Part of me isn't completely happy.

I miss great friends and wonderful people.

I truly feel that I have met great people in my life, and I left a part me with them.

Sometimes I just wonder if they feel the same way about them.

I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to forget.

I also don't want to be forgotten.........

Empty.

I know I have potential and I know what people say.

Hearing and feeling are two different things.

I'm filled with emptiness and a sense of failure.

When I run I usually get a sense of self and organization, and today I felt empty, cold, and a sense of failure.

I'm done with that.

Terrible run today, you're my rock bottom.

Gone are the days of "that's in the future" and the days of "tomorrow".

I don't want to feel empty anymore.

Distance

I hate the distance that is between people.

Technology can only be relied on for so much..

Things become impersonal....and cold.

I don't want to grow apart.

These people mean more than anything to me.

I am not ready to let go.

I miss you all. Don't forget me just yet.

Tell Me What's On Your Mind...

Days of the past are filled with words of the future and happiness.

We promised to be kind.

There was worry that things would change, and everyone would feel pain.

We said that wouldn't happen, that we would fight for truth and happiness and each other.

Today, we realize that we were foolish.

I understand the fantasy of our wishes and plans.

The future looks lonely and foreign.

Tomorrow, I want to hear you say things won't be the same, that things are getting better.

.....

Simple

Life seemed so much easier as a child.

You dream big and live simple.

Then you grow up.

no one knows

people make plans.

we think about the future.

nothing ever goes according to the plans.

things happen.

people change.

you never know where life takes you.

no matter how hard you try to control things, some things just can't be controlled.

you search for things with all your might, and can't find.

yet you find things in the strangest places.

no one knows what the future holds.

no one knows where their life goes.

Words of yesterday and faint whispers.

One moment everything seems so optimistic and perfect.

Then a day later it all seems to be dreams or distant moments of the past.

I can't read your mind. You can't read mine either.

Don't tell me we'll figure things out later.

Why do all aspects of my life seem to run in circles?

Can't I just travel a straighter path? I am not asking for an easier life; I just don't want to relive, rehash, and repeat.

It's all downhill from here...until the next hill.

Life is just like a mountain bike race.

In the beginning it all seems to be fun and easy.

Then the drama begins.

You hit a few rough spots.

After awhile, things seem to be okay.

You settle into a groove and it feels liberating and fun.

Them come the hills. 

You throw yourself into gear and push yourself to continue, convincing yourself there will be a relaxing downhill ride.

Sometimes it just gets too tough, but you don't give up. 

You step back and deal with the situation in the next best way. 

Pushing your bike up the hill, gritting your teeth, taking in the pain, you push on.

You reach the top, and sometimes it leads you to another difficult climb, sometimes it just plateaus there, and sometimes you get the downhill coast where it seems easy and simple.

You go through parts that just seem like a blur and other parts that seem to freeze time. 

There are the technically challenging sections. 

You approach this cautiously, but sometimes no matter what you do something unfortunate happens, your chain falls off, your tire goes flat, or that rock you didn't see puts you over the handle bars and on your back.

You continue on, you can't quit now.

You bite down and continue on.

There are more rough patches, but then there are times of easy pedaling and downhill coasts.

There are times where nothing seems to be right and everything is stacked against you. 

There are also times of fun and everything seems to be going perfectly.

You finish.

There is a moment to look back. 

You smile at the good times, feel accomplished for making it through the tough times, and feel saddened that it is all over.

.......

I must be in the moguls. There are a lot of ups and downs. It sure is bumpy, and there is a big climb ahead.