Monday, May 25, 2009


Everyday I wake up to a new battle,
sometimes these battles are in older wars 
and sometimes there are new wars to endure.
I don't speak of the petty battles of the materialistic world,
yet of the non-observant mindful battles.

I rage war against myself in many ways. 
For years, I have battled with confidence and esteem.
I battle the thoughts of being unworthy and not good enough.
I fight the voices of self-hatred with words of strength and wisdom;
however, I still fight these battles, and I fear that the war against myself will never end.
That part of me will never be at ease and have peace.

The war continues on with my heart.
The strings of my heart are being pulled at in opposite directions and I don't know what to do.
I don't know if I should open my heart and let people in completely, so that I can love,
and be loved without restraints;
or, if I should lock part of my heart up, and let that part of me never be touched or even known.
This major battle, and war, needs to end soon; 
the strings of my heart can't take it anymore.

I am at war with control.
I am uncertain if I can handle moments out of control,
but I am also uncertain if I can handle all moments in complete control.
I see other people living their lives out of control and they seem to be doing fine.
But then I have moments out of control, and things become problematic.
I can't seem to balance my control. 
I am uncertain if I want to live my life with complete control
or out of control completely.

These battles rage on,
and sometimes I feel like surrendering,
but then something or someone gives me the courage to carry on.
One day I hope the only battles I have to fight
are the ones of what to eat for breakfast or what shoes to wear today.

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