Battles...

Everyday I wake up to a new battle,

sometimes these battles are in older wars 

and sometimes there are new wars to endure.

I don't speak of the petty battles of the materialistic world,

yet of the non-observant mindful battles.

I rage war against myself in many ways. 

For years, I have battled with confidence and esteem.

I battle the thoughts of being unworthy and not good enough.

I fight the voices of self-hatred with words of strength and wisdom;

however, I still fight these battles, and I fear that the war against myself will never end.

That part of me will never be at ease and have peace.

The war continues on with my heart.

The strings of my heart are being pulled at in opposite directions and I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I should open my heart and let people in completely, so that I can love,

and be loved without restraints;

or, if I should lock part of my heart up, and let that part of me never be touched or even known.

This major battle, and war, needs to end soon; 

the strings of my heart can't take it anymore.

I am at war with control.

I am uncertain if I can handle moments out of control,

but I am also uncertain if I can handle all moments in complete control.

I see other people living their lives out of control and they seem to be doing fine.

But then I have moments out of control, and things become problematic.

I can't seem to balance my control. 

I am uncertain if I want to live my life with complete control

or out of control completely.

These battles rage on,

and sometimes I feel like surrendering,

but then something or someone gives me the courage to carry on.

One day I hope the only battles I have to fight

are the ones of what to eat for breakfast or what shoes to wear today.

Is it real? Does it matter?

Sometimes I feel like I am standing still, 

and everything is spinning out of control around me.

I feel like a walking conundrum;

I am learning to appreciate the small things in life,

but sometimes I want to scream out 

and question the world about what is the big picture

I don't know whether to open myself entirely

and take the risk of shattering to pieces,

or protect myself and then later regret not living in the moment.

I don't know if these are just negative thoughts

that I ponder on a dreary day,

or if these thoughts are always there,

just masked behind sunshine, smiles, and giggles.

I accuse the unknown, but then ponder if that is the point

... not knowing.

The life of the care-free and the ones who can let go of the past, 

is something I long for;

but, as soon as I feel like I am being care-free and living in the present,

the hem of my dress gets snagged

and I fall into the life of the 

worried, hesitant, and closed-off.