Is it real? Does it matter?

Sometimes I feel like I am standing still, 

and everything is spinning out of control around me.

I feel like a walking conundrum;

I am learning to appreciate the small things in life,

but sometimes I want to scream out 

and question the world about what is the big picture

I don't know whether to open myself entirely

and take the risk of shattering to pieces,

or protect myself and then later regret not living in the moment.

I don't know if these are just negative thoughts

that I ponder on a dreary day,

or if these thoughts are always there,

just masked behind sunshine, smiles, and giggles.

I accuse the unknown, but then ponder if that is the point

... not knowing.

The life of the care-free and the ones who can let go of the past, 

is something I long for;

but, as soon as I feel like I am being care-free and living in the present,

the hem of my dress gets snagged

and I fall into the life of the 

worried, hesitant, and closed-off.