holidays shmolidays

This holiday season, I wasn't festive, jolly, trilled, hopeful, or even overly happy.

Working retail, I was thrown into the cheery mood by force, but as soon as I clocked out, it was just another day. I am now glad that the holiday retail is dwindling, even though hours will be cut and paychecks won't be plentiful.

I did get to spend time with great family members, that help make this drab holiday seem not so gloomy. They tried to make it as happy as possible, but they didn't have much of a chance to succeed, as it was out of their control. I appreciate everything they do for me, so I went along with it and smiled.

I am glad that I no longer have to pretend to be happy and excited for the holiday season.

101 things to do in 1,001 days

I have created a list of things I want to accomplish in 1,001 days. I am going to start at the end of my term. Just some fun goals, school goals, adventure goals...little/big things that make everything worth it.

The start date is December 18, 2010 and the schedule end date is September 15, 2013.

1. get a tattoo of sewing tape on my arm

2. run the portland marathon

3. explore crater lake

4. get a dog/puppy

5. graduate from Ai with an apparel design degree with a sustainability minor.

6. sell something i've made to a stranger **Accomplished January 5th, 2011**

7. visit the redwoods of california

8. join a yoga class

9. learn about wine

10. learn about beer

11. go vegan for a month**Accomplished January 2011**

12. start my own garden

13. get a CSA membership

14. go to seattle

15. vacation in national parks

16. go on a coffee date with a long lost friend

17. go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and don't feel guilty

18. visit a local organic farm

19. visit a winery

20. go to Music Fest Northwest

21. Only eat local food for a month

22. spend a weekend at the beach

23. start to learn french again

24. plant a garden

25. go to a local concert

26. go camping

27. participate in a local charity event

28. compile a book of recipes that i have tried and loved

29. rent a house/apartment that i truly enjoy

30. kiss in the rain

31. have a picnic

32. viisit a buddhist temple

33. take a cooking class

34. visit Colorado

35. make a birthday cake from scratch for someone

36. go a week without internet

37. paint a room

38. see a nutritionalist

39. go a week without wearing black

40. take a vacation out of the country

41. cook a meal for someone else including meat

42. take a picture each day for a month

43. buy an original piece of art.

44. visit the octopus tree

45. get a professional massage

46. make french toast on my own.

47. grow an indoor herb garden

48. learn to knit

49. go to a theatre show

50. become a member to an environmentalist group

51. go on a vacation with just my mom

52. go on a brewery tour

53. visit mount hood

54. go to a professional sporting event football/soccer/basketball

55. eat at a food cart each day for a week

56. go to sasquatch music fest

57. take music lessons for a month, either piano or possibly guitar

58. make a list of 101 things i like about myself

59. throw a surprise party

60. make a pie from scratch

61. invest in a good knife set

62. make a gift for my dad and include a letter

63. plan a trip to europe: france and the netherlands

64. update my blog at least once a month

65. bake vegan food with a friend

66. go to an orchard and then make something with what i pick

67. don't quit my job until i graduate from Ai

68. make breakfast in bed for someone

69. send flowers to Honey Creek for coworkers and my grandma

70. send out christmas cards that are personalized.

71. read 4 books in a month

72. volunteer at an animal shelter

73. spend a day at a bookstore, and then at a coffeehouse

74. host a christmas party

75. buy incense and actually burn it

76. update drivers license to OR

77. write a letter to someone i love, with 101 reasons why

78. make a dress for myself and wear it out

79. vote in the election and be active

80. visit my grandfather's grave with flowers and a letter

81. attempt to have a conversation with my brother, maybe over dinner**Accomplished Jan 20th, 2011**

82. go to a movie at the living room theatre

83. make produce bags, and use them at the grocery store/farmers market

84. go running through washington park

85. do a 5k with a friend

86. visit a personal trainer

87. create a portfolio of my work

88. grow my hair out long

89. get my hair professionally colored.

90. spend an entire day with just my cousin

91. create something for my niece

92. get my cartilage double pierced

93. plan a surprise date, and then follow through with it for an entire day.

94. make a dinner with someone i love.

95. document an entire week in photographs.

96. bake a family recipe from my mom's side

97. bake a family recipe from my dad's side

98. draw something and like it without self criticism

99. save $10 for ever task completed

100. write about this experience when it is over.

101. with the money saved, do something positive, fun, and productive.

I feel good about this, as it has some long term goals and short term things. Nothing is too extreme or outlandish, and everything is possible.

This will help me turn my life and mindset into something more positive.

lost dreams?

I don't sleep anymore really, and when I do I wake up terrified, lost, screaming, or crying.

I don't rest, and it's just another thing that is wearing me down.

I had dreams and hopes, and those seem to be getting a bit lost too.

I'm not sure why this is dwindling, but it scares me more than the dreams that I fear.

This week has been more difficult than anything that I've dealt with in the last year.

The chances that are against me are getting stronger, I fear, but I plan to hold on.

I'm also hoping that others won't bail on me now, when I am weak, like so many have before.

tired and traveling through the final weeks

Despite having a sad soul as I wander through the busy streets, I am busy.

Finals are approaching, and I am not as prepared as I would like to be.

There are sewing projects, charcoal drawings, design projects, a website construction, and a solution paper to complete.

I don't have the energy for this.

Without someone to help me relax, and restless nights filled with terrifying dreams, and only so much coffee to be consumed, these finals will be difficult.

It's a bit intimidating. I want to do well in these classes, as it is my first term in Apparel Design classes. This means a lot to me. I am finally chasing a dream and following a path to what makes me happy. Falling behind and not putting my best work forward isn't something I can accept.

One positive aspect of the hours that will be spent studying and designing to finish these courses....I won't have time sit and think, and be sad about how alone and empty I feel.

Between work and the final weeks of courses, the holiday season should fly by...and not spending the holidays with family and friends won't hit me until they are in my face or over.

If only I could completely rid my mind of the sadness this holiday season will bring.....

but I am thankful for a busy school schedule and a work schedule that will help me get through it.

The road may seem all uphill, treacherous, and never-ending, but at least the scenery and the hopes of a happy ending are good company.

i miss him.

This last week was the happiest week I have had since moving here.

Time with someone that means so much to me spoiled me more than anything.

Now it's over.

I can't see myself being happy for awhile now.

I look forward to the days of not wandering around alone.

Right now, that's all that I can think about, the future days where I don't have to wonder;

I want the days where I can hold hands and be simply happy.....

Northwest Apartment

wandering the Northwest portland neighborhoods.

Washington Park, Alphabet District, etc.

nothing but the sound of footsteps on leaves and soft sentimental songs...

only wishing someone was here to enjoy the brisk fall days...

oh the lonely fall days and night of living in a northwest apartment...

Something that I can learn from..in so many ways

I admit that I am interested in all different foods; however, I tend to stick to basics and simple meals to get me through the day.

That's about to change.

Today, I had the thought of going through this used cookbook that I just purchased and do some experimenting. It is the Moosewood Cookbook, but the 1977 edition. It has several great dishes that I want to try, from salads, to entrees, to soups, to breads, and desserts. I want to explore this cookbook and develop some cooking skills. The downer is I am a starving art student just working a few hours a week and living in an apartment that is overpriced. I would love to try to cook a new recipe everyday, but I don't think I could afford to eat such great and intriguing things, and my skinny jeans might not appreciate the heartier foods. I would like to make at least a few new things each month.

October is World Vegetarian month, and making a new vegetarian meal that is healthy, fairly easy/cheap, and delicious will help me verify my standings that being a vegetarian is healthy, easy, tasty, and makes the world a better place :)

Tonight, I kind of kick started this adventure. The recipe I made was my aunt's pumpkin muffins and not from Moosewood. They are delicious, fairly healthy, and quite simple. The way that my apartment smells, I want to bake these regularly this fall and winter.

Sad when i should be Happy

Great things have been happening for me personally.

New apartment, new school, new town.

Exploring new places, eating great fresh foods, getting into shape.

Then at night when I reflect on my days, and I am not as happy.

Part of me isn't completely happy.

I miss great friends and wonderful people.

I truly feel that I have met great people in my life, and I left a part me with them.

Sometimes I just wonder if they feel the same way about them.

I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to forget.

I also don't want to be forgotten.........

Empty.

I know I have potential and I know what people say.

Hearing and feeling are two different things.

I'm filled with emptiness and a sense of failure.

When I run I usually get a sense of self and organization, and today I felt empty, cold, and a sense of failure.

I'm done with that.

Terrible run today, you're my rock bottom.

Gone are the days of "that's in the future" and the days of "tomorrow".

I don't want to feel empty anymore.

Distance

I hate the distance that is between people.

Technology can only be relied on for so much..

Things become impersonal....and cold.

I don't want to grow apart.

These people mean more than anything to me.

I am not ready to let go.

I miss you all. Don't forget me just yet.

Tell Me What's On Your Mind...

Days of the past are filled with words of the future and happiness.

We promised to be kind.

There was worry that things would change, and everyone would feel pain.

We said that wouldn't happen, that we would fight for truth and happiness and each other.

Today, we realize that we were foolish.

I understand the fantasy of our wishes and plans.

The future looks lonely and foreign.

Tomorrow, I want to hear you say things won't be the same, that things are getting better.

.....

Simple

Life seemed so much easier as a child.

You dream big and live simple.

Then you grow up.

no one knows

people make plans.

we think about the future.

nothing ever goes according to the plans.

things happen.

people change.

you never know where life takes you.

no matter how hard you try to control things, some things just can't be controlled.

you search for things with all your might, and can't find.

yet you find things in the strangest places.

no one knows what the future holds.

no one knows where their life goes.

Words of yesterday and faint whispers.

One moment everything seems so optimistic and perfect.

Then a day later it all seems to be dreams or distant moments of the past.

I can't read your mind. You can't read mine either.

Don't tell me we'll figure things out later.

Why do all aspects of my life seem to run in circles?

Can't I just travel a straighter path? I am not asking for an easier life; I just don't want to relive, rehash, and repeat.

It's all downhill from here...until the next hill.

Life is just like a mountain bike race.

In the beginning it all seems to be fun and easy.

Then the drama begins.

You hit a few rough spots.

After awhile, things seem to be okay.

You settle into a groove and it feels liberating and fun.

Them come the hills. 

You throw yourself into gear and push yourself to continue, convincing yourself there will be a relaxing downhill ride.

Sometimes it just gets too tough, but you don't give up. 

You step back and deal with the situation in the next best way. 

Pushing your bike up the hill, gritting your teeth, taking in the pain, you push on.

You reach the top, and sometimes it leads you to another difficult climb, sometimes it just plateaus there, and sometimes you get the downhill coast where it seems easy and simple.

You go through parts that just seem like a blur and other parts that seem to freeze time. 

There are the technically challenging sections. 

You approach this cautiously, but sometimes no matter what you do something unfortunate happens, your chain falls off, your tire goes flat, or that rock you didn't see puts you over the handle bars and on your back.

You continue on, you can't quit now.

You bite down and continue on.

There are more rough patches, but then there are times of easy pedaling and downhill coasts.

There are times where nothing seems to be right and everything is stacked against you. 

There are also times of fun and everything seems to be going perfectly.

You finish.

There is a moment to look back. 

You smile at the good times, feel accomplished for making it through the tough times, and feel saddened that it is all over.

.......

I must be in the moguls. There are a lot of ups and downs. It sure is bumpy, and there is a big climb ahead.

Ponder. Question. Second Guess.

Am I the only one?

I'm not alone.

It's only human to question decisions that have been made.

I find myself second guessing myself.

There are moments where I ponder whether I've said, or not said, the right thing, or done the right thing.

Life changing decisions seem to occur more often than one realizes.

Did I make the right choice? Will the decisions that I've made make me a better happier person?

I seem to question myself more and more these days.

The only answer that I get is that I'm not currently happy with myself.

Promises

I live in a time where promises aren't kept. 

People throw promises around and forget how their importance.

There are times where promises can't be kept. I understand.

I just don't hold onto promises. They are just empty words that keep piling up in my mind and heart.

I don't have time to wait for something that seems to be not there.

I've been told that I'm special, and that I'm unique.

I've been told that I deserve greatness and smiles that last.

I've been told that I will have a better future and it won't be as dark as my past.

I've been told that you cared about me, but lately you don't speak.

Please don't let this be another moment where I trusted in words that were empty and cold.

No need for one day of love.

I can only hope that everyday I tell the people that I love how much they mean to me.

I don't know when I won't be able to say that to them again, whether these happy relationships last a month or a lifetime. I am living in the moment. I can only hope to say how I feel more often. I don't want to hold back and regret anymore. 

I've realized this lately, and I don't want to go back.

The days of hiding my thoughts, desires, and hopes ended last July. The days of someone telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not true, and I'm not important are over.

I don't want anyone to ever feel so insecure. So to all of my loves, you matter.

I love you.

Not just today, but I love you everyday.

Textbooks.

Every night, the thought of curling up with a great book that explores the world, takes me to a brighter time, or shows me dark images that I can learn from, makes me smile. 

Then I see the stack of textbooks that need to be read, and the hundreds of chapters to be studied. 

Sometimes I feel like I learn more from real life texts, than the formal words printed in a massive book that is best used as a place to put my snack fruits or tea.

Alas, I read textbooks and only dream of one day finishing my long list of books to read...

Unfinished Business

the need to be healthy.

I haven't been healthy in such a long time, and I am finally realizing it.

I am starting to take into consideration what I eat effects my body. I need to make sure that I am getting enough of the right nutrients and I am using my daily calories wisely.

I am working out, and training for my marathon in the fall, and can't wait to accomplish my running and biking goals.

I have been sick lately, and I think it has a lot to do with my lack of attention towards my health. I am going to research what vitamins to take and start to regularly take supplements.

I want to be healthy so that I may participate in the aspects of life that intrigue me the most. I don't want to watch my life pass me by, I want to pass my life by... preferably in cute shoes, running shoes, or on my bike.