Change

People are always looking for change.

The world isn't good enough for itself.

People strive to be better.

What's the point?

In the end, is there really happiness and self-fulfilling satisfaction?

Or after everything is done are people just glad it's over?

Change is a part of everyday life.

We can fight it, just go with it, or stand at the forefront.

Each person chooses a different stance;

where will you stand?

Dark and Twisted

My mind wanders.

These wanderings are down paths that no one should ever venture on.

I'm opening the door again. I've been closed up in my own mind for so long. I'm not sure what will happen, but I won't just live life feeling numb. I want to control it; I want to have control of myself.

Contemplation

I have been contemplating taking the next step. Going Vegan.

I love the vegetarian lifestyle that I live right now;

however, it leaves me wondering if that is as far as I want to go.

To be vegan is to be in control, disciplined, and good-natured.

I would have a hard time getting rid of some leather products I have, and also paying to replace my down pillows and comforters. On a student budget, such major changes would be pricey. I am going to stop buying those types of things as much as possible...but sometimes, especially as a fashion major, I make mistakes.

I am still not sure if I could really go vegan.

Do I have what it takes? 

What does it take?

Can I really change my lifestyle for forever?

........I still contemplate.

Battles...

Everyday I wake up to a new battle,

sometimes these battles are in older wars 

and sometimes there are new wars to endure.

I don't speak of the petty battles of the materialistic world,

yet of the non-observant mindful battles.

I rage war against myself in many ways. 

For years, I have battled with confidence and esteem.

I battle the thoughts of being unworthy and not good enough.

I fight the voices of self-hatred with words of strength and wisdom;

however, I still fight these battles, and I fear that the war against myself will never end.

That part of me will never be at ease and have peace.

The war continues on with my heart.

The strings of my heart are being pulled at in opposite directions and I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I should open my heart and let people in completely, so that I can love,

and be loved without restraints;

or, if I should lock part of my heart up, and let that part of me never be touched or even known.

This major battle, and war, needs to end soon; 

the strings of my heart can't take it anymore.

I am at war with control.

I am uncertain if I can handle moments out of control,

but I am also uncertain if I can handle all moments in complete control.

I see other people living their lives out of control and they seem to be doing fine.

But then I have moments out of control, and things become problematic.

I can't seem to balance my control. 

I am uncertain if I want to live my life with complete control

or out of control completely.

These battles rage on,

and sometimes I feel like surrendering,

but then something or someone gives me the courage to carry on.

One day I hope the only battles I have to fight

are the ones of what to eat for breakfast or what shoes to wear today.

Is it real? Does it matter?

Sometimes I feel like I am standing still, 

and everything is spinning out of control around me.

I feel like a walking conundrum;

I am learning to appreciate the small things in life,

but sometimes I want to scream out 

and question the world about what is the big picture

I don't know whether to open myself entirely

and take the risk of shattering to pieces,

or protect myself and then later regret not living in the moment.

I don't know if these are just negative thoughts

that I ponder on a dreary day,

or if these thoughts are always there,

just masked behind sunshine, smiles, and giggles.

I accuse the unknown, but then ponder if that is the point

... not knowing.

The life of the care-free and the ones who can let go of the past, 

is something I long for;

but, as soon as I feel like I am being care-free and living in the present,

the hem of my dress gets snagged

and I fall into the life of the 

worried, hesitant, and closed-off.

Why I Write: Hope.

I’ve always wondered…if maybe, just maybe, one person, one girl, someone out there, who is completely lost like myself..maybe that person will find my words, and not feel alone..have some faith, some sort of  hope, that the world will be okay…even though I don’t even know if everything will be fine……

But I have always wondered…maybe, just maybe, I could change just one life…I would feel okay; I would find some comfort or a purpose to my life, if I just change that one person.

I want to make that one person feel loved. Make that one soul know that a small event doesn’t have to ruin the future, if they don’t want it to....I want to make one person think, and change the world in a small way for someone else…and this domino effect will change things for the better.

peace and love.

elephante.