lost dreams?

I don't sleep anymore really, and when I do I wake up terrified, lost, screaming, or crying.

I don't rest, and it's just another thing that is wearing me down.

I had dreams and hopes, and those seem to be getting a bit lost too.

I'm not sure why this is dwindling, but it scares me more than the dreams that I fear.

This week has been more difficult than anything that I've dealt with in the last year.

The chances that are against me are getting stronger, I fear, but I plan to hold on.

I'm also hoping that others won't bail on me now, when I am weak, like so many have before.

tired and traveling through the final weeks

Despite having a sad soul as I wander through the busy streets, I am busy.

Finals are approaching, and I am not as prepared as I would like to be.

There are sewing projects, charcoal drawings, design projects, a website construction, and a solution paper to complete.

I don't have the energy for this.

Without someone to help me relax, and restless nights filled with terrifying dreams, and only so much coffee to be consumed, these finals will be difficult.

It's a bit intimidating. I want to do well in these classes, as it is my first term in Apparel Design classes. This means a lot to me. I am finally chasing a dream and following a path to what makes me happy. Falling behind and not putting my best work forward isn't something I can accept.

One positive aspect of the hours that will be spent studying and designing to finish these courses....I won't have time sit and think, and be sad about how alone and empty I feel.

Between work and the final weeks of courses, the holiday season should fly by...and not spending the holidays with family and friends won't hit me until they are in my face or over.

If only I could completely rid my mind of the sadness this holiday season will bring.....

but I am thankful for a busy school schedule and a work schedule that will help me get through it.

The road may seem all uphill, treacherous, and never-ending, but at least the scenery and the hopes of a happy ending are good company.

i miss him.

This last week was the happiest week I have had since moving here.

Time with someone that means so much to me spoiled me more than anything.

Now it's over.

I can't see myself being happy for awhile now.

I look forward to the days of not wandering around alone.

Right now, that's all that I can think about, the future days where I don't have to wonder;

I want the days where I can hold hands and be simply happy.....

Northwest Apartment

wandering the Northwest portland neighborhoods.

Washington Park, Alphabet District, etc.

nothing but the sound of footsteps on leaves and soft sentimental songs...

only wishing someone was here to enjoy the brisk fall days...

oh the lonely fall days and night of living in a northwest apartment...

Something that I can learn from..in so many ways

I admit that I am interested in all different foods; however, I tend to stick to basics and simple meals to get me through the day.

That's about to change.

Today, I had the thought of going through this used cookbook that I just purchased and do some experimenting. It is the Moosewood Cookbook, but the 1977 edition. It has several great dishes that I want to try, from salads, to entrees, to soups, to breads, and desserts. I want to explore this cookbook and develop some cooking skills. The downer is I am a starving art student just working a few hours a week and living in an apartment that is overpriced. I would love to try to cook a new recipe everyday, but I don't think I could afford to eat such great and intriguing things, and my skinny jeans might not appreciate the heartier foods. I would like to make at least a few new things each month.

October is World Vegetarian month, and making a new vegetarian meal that is healthy, fairly easy/cheap, and delicious will help me verify my standings that being a vegetarian is healthy, easy, tasty, and makes the world a better place :)

Tonight, I kind of kick started this adventure. The recipe I made was my aunt's pumpkin muffins and not from Moosewood. They are delicious, fairly healthy, and quite simple. The way that my apartment smells, I want to bake these regularly this fall and winter.

Sad when i should be Happy

Great things have been happening for me personally.

New apartment, new school, new town.

Exploring new places, eating great fresh foods, getting into shape.

Then at night when I reflect on my days, and I am not as happy.

Part of me isn't completely happy.

I miss great friends and wonderful people.

I truly feel that I have met great people in my life, and I left a part me with them.

Sometimes I just wonder if they feel the same way about them.

I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to forget.

I also don't want to be forgotten.........

Empty.

I know I have potential and I know what people say.

Hearing and feeling are two different things.

I'm filled with emptiness and a sense of failure.

When I run I usually get a sense of self and organization, and today I felt empty, cold, and a sense of failure.

I'm done with that.

Terrible run today, you're my rock bottom.

Gone are the days of "that's in the future" and the days of "tomorrow".

I don't want to feel empty anymore.